You hear that? Listen closely. Yes, it’s the sound of all your 15-year-old dreams being crushed because Justin Bieber is officially off the market. That’s right, everyone’s favorite baby-faced bad boy who inexplicably sports a Pablo Escobar mustache is now married to the love of his life (no, not Selena Gomez), Hailey Baldwin!
A mere two months after they broke the Internet with their surprise engagement, the two identical-looking greasy-haired blondes have decided to cut to the chase and just get hitched already. PEOPLE reported that they got legally married on Thursday at a courthouse in New York.
Two months is an awfully short engagement, but I can’t say I’m terribly surprised. Considering they’re both born-again Christians who are really, really into the whole church thing, it doesn’t seem too far-fetched that they’re saving sex for marriage.
And that explains EVERYTHING. They’re probably dying to bone each other! I mean, most of us can’t even wait for the second date before having sex — imagine waiting two whole months. I would literally lose my mind.
Let’s take a moment to appreciate how far Justin has come!
First, he was a wholesome, high-pitched young boy with a swoopy haircut that ensnared the hearts of 13-year-old girls worldwide. Next, he went through puberty and had a little "bad boy" phase where he wore leather jackets and committed minor crimes and misdemeanors around the world. And now, he has finally settled on his final form: a wholesome Christian husband who only showers twice a month.
This is the kind of epic transformation that nobody could have seen coming. Selena Gomez is probably SHAKING right now!
According to TMZ, Hailey and Justin's wedding ceremony could be happening later this week in Justin's native Canada. So, will Justin and Hailey's next stop be Canada? We'll just have to wait and see.